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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 9, 2014 6:56pm-7:29pm PDT

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(eagle caw) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to the report, good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: that's absolutely right! that is my name! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen! (cheers and applause) folks, i think if you guys weren't ut there chanting my name every night, i'm not sure i would know who i was. (cheering) folks, you watch this show. you know, as a patriot, there is nothing i love more than celebrating the overthrow of the british monarchy and telling king george where he can stick his crumpet! and as an irish american whose
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ancestors were driven west of the river shannon to farm rocks, i would like to see buckingham palace turned into a public urinal for the indigent and the insane. (laughter) but on the other hand -- >> another royal baby is on the way. >> another royal baby is on the way. >> we have a spare to the heir. >> the heir and the spare. >> it's an heir and a spare. >> oh my goooooooood! an heir and spare! i can't believe i care! but i do! we did it! well, technically will and kate did it. (laughter) so magical. it's a fairytale. the royals are truly a special class of people -- they managed to have sex with a one-year-old in the house! (laughter) and i want to thank the happy couple, because this could not have come at a better time. >> ebola, isis, so many horrible stories going on right now but we don't have to make the news all about sickness and terror and death.
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let's celebrate life. >> in the interest of not all news being negative, a big royal announcement. >> so many folks have been bummed out by some depressing news. we brought you a pregnancy. that's what you always need. just some happy baby news. >> stephen: yeah, some happy news! happy news that makes you want to pass out cigars, rather than simply pass out. (laughter) of course, it's not all good news. because "kate is suffering from an acute form of morning sickness" that forced the royals "to announce the pregnancy before the duchess passed the significant 12-week milestone." yes, the morning-sickness speculation. would have been rampant -- is she pregnant, or did she just eat english food? (laughter) so thank you, prince william and duchess kate, for giving the whole world a much-needed break from the whole world. (laughter) you deserve every bit of the attention "you're" getting. instead of me. which leads to my own announcement -- i'm pregnant! (cheering)
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that's right, i peed on that stick, and it got wet, so i think that means this is a go. i don't know how far along i am, but judging by the scale, my baby already weighs exactly the same amount as last night's huge chipotle burrito chipotle. nation, everywhere you look america is being infiltrated by los latino immigrantes. in fact, did you know that even this sentence started with an upside-down question mark? thankfully, house republicans have done something to combat this menace by doing nothing. but back in june, the president threatened to undo. everything they have never done. >> so, while i will continue to push house republicans to drop the excuses and act, america cannot wait forever for them to
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act. (laughter) >> stephen: no, they're waiting forever -- for you to talk. >> that's why today -- i'm beginning a new effort to fix as much of our immigration system as i can on my own -- without congress. >> stephen: going it alone? that completely undermines our constitutional system of checks, balances, and crippling deadlocks. so you can imagine my relief when i saw our waffler-in-chief fold like a breakfast taco. (laughter) jim? >> president obama hitting the pause button on immigration reform. >> the president now holding off on any action to fix the immigration crisis until after the november election. >> i want to spend some time even as we're getting all of our ducks in a row for the executive action, i want to make sure that the t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. >> stephen: yes, he just wants to cross the
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t's, dot the i's, and tilde the n's. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: naturally, the president's decision has left hispanic supporters asking, señor obama, donde estan los cojones? (laughter) as one latina activist said, "a guy says he's going to propose, and then he decides he's going to delay and not propose for a couple of months. so you go, 'o.k., i want a two-carat ring now instead of a one-carat ring." one carat, two carat. we don't want to get married. we just want someone to pick our carrots. (laughter) and i'm mad that obama is delaying immigration reform because he stole that idea from the republicans! they've had the idea of putting off doing something about immigration reform for a decade! >> the point is that what we need to do, move forward with immigration reform. >> we've got to do a comprehensive immigration reform plan.
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>> we've got some plans to unveil some changes to the legal immigration system of this country. >> we're going to release a document soon about our way forward on immigration. >> we're open to looking at immigration reform. >> immigration reform will be my top priority because we have the obligation to address a federal issue from a federal standpoint. >> let us have a serious, civil and conclusive debate so that you can pass and i can sign comprehensive immigration reform into law. >> the debate over immigration reform has reached a time of decision. >> we must pass comprehensive immigration reform. >> immigration reform is a very important agenda item. >> stephen: yes, a muy importante "agenda" item. that's why we can't do pass immigration reform. that would take it "off" the agenda. but don't lose hope. just because our leaders are telling you to wait till next year doesn't mean it won't happen, as long as you just wait till next year. (laughter)
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right, john boehner, from last week? >> you know, there's a possibility that congress could take this issue up next year. >> stephen: next year! guaranteed! (cheers and applause) next year, guaranteed! that's a possibility. and boehner gets the immigrant experience, because he remembers how many years it took congress to welcome "his" community of tangelo-americans. (laughter) but if for some reason this latest promise isn't enough to convince the hispanish community, i say we do something more realistic than trying to pass immigration reform -- build a time machine. that way, people from the future can come back and assure us that immigration reform does eventually happen. with that in mind, joining me now, live from the distant tomorrow, please welcome. future stephen. (cheers and applause) greetings from the year 2372, stephen.
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>> wow. you look great. all my moisturizing. paid off! future me, can you assure hispanic. americans that washington eventually does address immigration reform? >> yes, i can. in fact, everyone in my time speaks future-spanish -- donde esta la space biblioteca. >> incredible. so in the future, immigration reform will be passed? >> absolutely. next year. >> stephen: thank you, future stephen! >> bet everything on the cleveland browns! >> stephen: we'll be right don't just dream of being the hero. make it happen.
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i have big news. bacon and cheese have been stuffed in a crust. pizza hut's new bacon and cheese stuffed crust with hardwood smoked bacon and a blend of three cheeses. for a limited time, get a large one topping for just $11.99 and free two liter of pepsi when you order online. order now at pizzahut.com. boys, can i get some help? i don't know. can you? guess you don't want doritos. ♪ [ whistles ] [ whimpers ] ♪ ha! ♪ [ crunch! ] yay! whoo-hoo. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thanks so much! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, i believe that my body is a temple.
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which is why i've applied for a tax exemption.. so i'm always keeping up with the latest in wearable sport-tech. if i forget to hit the gym, my fitbit just synchs to my pebble, which sends a reminder to my iphone, which i delete with my google glass. (laughter) goodbye. repeated nagging messages don't motivate me. if they did, i'd have a linked-in account. (laughter) stop it! i do not want to connect with dave! i had coffee with him once! but finally, there's a smart-tech device. that can jolt americans into action. >> meet the newest fitness craze. this is the pavlock. that bracelet claims to zap users if they stop exercising. if you don't get moving, it's going to shock you. yeah, it sends 400 volts, electrical jolts right into the arm. >> stephen: yes, if you do not exercise, you get an electric shock. and, for once, it's not from the
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emt holding defibrillator paddles . of course, the pavlok is named for russian behavioral pioneer ivan pavlov, who conditioned dogs to salivate every time he rang a bell, hence the expression, "every time a bell rings, an angel gets his. wings covered in dog saliva." (laughter) and by using psychologically proven and user tested algorithms, the pavlok wristband enforces users' commitments to fitness, productivity and more. yes, the same proven productivity algorithms that use electricity to enforce cattle toward the "gym." (laughter) yeah, those cows could really pull a muscle in there. (laughter) remember to stretch, bessie! (laughter) and if electroshock therapy doesn't move your fat ass, the synchronized pavlok app will also zap you where it 'really' hurts because -- if the user hasn't completed their goal,
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they get charged money through the app and posts on your facebook wall "i didn't make it to the gym today." (laughter) and that's just the motivation you need when you're in a dark place, out of shape, at home, too tired to work out, it's probably because you weren't getting enough public humiliation. (laughter) while pavlok's a good start, i believe the pain and shame of surrendering your will to an electronic device can go much further. which is why i'm thrilled to be part of a new wearable fitness pilot program i heard about through my financial advisor, gorlock. it's called "the spine spider." here's how it works -- place it anywhere on or near your body and it will crawl to and embed its neuropincers in your spinal column. no recharging necessary. it feeds on your blood! and what a workout. the spine-spider takes over your motor faculties, and marches you into a field where you --
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build a large crystal pyramid. what's the pyramid for? why does gorlock need it? what will happen when it's finished? with spine spider, your brain is prevented from thinking those questions. (laughter) and, folks, i have been using the the spine spider for weeks and lifting mysterious prisms at the behest of an unknown alien has done 'wonders' for my core. but don't look for spine spider at your nearest electronics store -- spine spider will find you. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ coors light meets a blend of natural citrus flavors ♪ squeeze the most out of summer. new coors light summer brew. take and... exhale.in... aflac! and a gentle wavelike motion...
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! folks, my guest tonight stars in the new film "love is strange." it is if you're doing it right. please welcome john lithgow!
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john! good to see you! (cheers and applause) i owe you one. last time you were here, you were checking my prostate. >> how's it going? i gave you a product proctologi. >> any colbert bump? people won't even shake hands with me anymore. >> stephen: john, you know how i feel about you and it's a love-hate relationship because you're a big star, an emmy and tony award winner and i know hollywood is corrupting our values, all right, but, on the other hand, i'm a fan, and my fear is i'm going to like your new movie "love is strange." >> i'm afraid it's true, stephen. >> stephen: yeah, because you play a gay guy.
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>> yes, alfred molina and i, that wonderful actor, we play an old gay couple who have been together 40 years, finally get married -- >> stephen: so you're living together 40 years before you get married? >> we have been living together. >> stephen: not only are you committing sin, you're living in sin at the same time. that's a two fer. go ahead. >> unfortunately, that was the old definition of sin. now they get married, sadly fred's character loses his job because his employer disapproves. >> stephen: he fires him. the archdiocese of the catholic church -- >> stephen: i'm a catholic, you realize. >> i apologize for that. >> stephen: i don't. i don't apologize for that. (laughter) okay. so they kick him out because they have a moral dilemma. >> yes. the school doesn't want to fire him but, according to the rules, he's let go and these two men, they have depended completely on this job, and they have to sell their apartment, they have been
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inseparatinseparable all these . they have to figure out where to live. i live with my ne my nephew's w, fred lives with gay cops -- >> stephen: real gay cops or village people gay cops? >> real gay cops. they exist. >> stephen: i wouldn't know. it's probably a great movie, but i'm not into that. >> it's a great movie. because gay marriage is a hot button issue. >> stephen: it's getting harder for me to oppose it and still get invited to nice parties (laughter) >> this movie puts a face on this entire issue. you will love this film. >> stephen: i know! that's why i'm afraid to go see it! i love you, i love alfred molina, it sounds like a lovely story, but then i'm going to
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love the idea of men loving. (laughter) you will erode the barrierers, the bulwarks i have between me and gay marriage being normal. >> we'll corrupt you for your own good, stephen. >> stephen: show him the clip. you guys new in the neighborhood? >> are you kidding? right here in this bar we challenged the new york state regulations that prohibited bars from serving homosexuals. >> yeah, we have the clipping. 1966. me and four other guys came in here accompanied by five reporters. when we were denied service we denounced the state licker authority. >> you were one of the guys? one of the guys. wow! (laughter)
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(applause) >> stephen: you're married. you're a straight guy, right? >> i am married and i am a straight guy. >> stephen: is it hard to play a gay man? like, what's the preparation? what's the character study here? because, listen, i'm straight, i'm as straight as they come. i mean, it is in my bones, buddy, okay? >> yeah. >> stephen: so i can't imagine desiring a man. >> stephen, the only hard parts to play are badly written parts, that's the bottom line. these are beautifully written parts. no research involved. it's simply there. these are -- you know, the whole notion of "playing gay," it's simply playing a human being. >> stephen: in the movie,
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you're -- (audience reacts) i can't tell the difference between you in the movie and you now. >> well, that's because there is no difference. >> stephen: are you in character as gay man right now? >> no, i'm not acting at the moment, but i'm telling you, if i were to put together a whole series of stereotypical mannerisms, my understanding, limp wrists, nellie mannerisms, it would be an insincere performance. it's simply inhabiting the character. i was blessed by acting fred molina. >> stephen: who is that? i think ethnically he has a spanish father and an italian mother and grew up in england. >> stephen: did you marry him so you could stay in the country? (laughter) i'm just curious, what's the political angle here? >> fred is very much an american straight man from england playing a gay lover of mine of
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40 years. >> stephen: all right. have you got it straight? >> stephen: i've it g got it ga. (laughter) you're two old men in this who i assume have a healthy attraction for each other. is there any hard core nap going on? >> there's a little snuggling. nothing resembling sex. maybe there was years ago. this is a comfortable old couple. no one wants to see people of my age making love in a film, straight or gay. (laughter) >> stephen: well, i don't know -- john, send me some tapes. (laughter) john lithgow, thank you so much! john lithgow, "love is strange." it's in theaters now. go see it. untamed fruit flavor.
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>> stephen: that's it for the rupert"therep ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central
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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, rory kennedy will be joining us. she's the director of the film, a great documentary, "last days in vietnam." and without giving anything away, we lose. we lose. [laughter] but first, famous naughty bits.
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>> the f.b.i. is investigating the photo hacking that targeted hollywood celebrities. >> dozens of nude and risque photos posted. >> this targeted everyone from an oscar winner to music superstars and models. >> jon: no star was off limits. yeah, that's right. [cheering and applause] [laughter] those were personal pictures that she took for tramp's birthday, and i for one am upset. how the hell did a hacker steel private photographs? to find out how this was done, you got to go to the experts. >> no one knows exactly who did this or exactly how those photos were obtained. >> it is not clear who hacked the photos. >> who uploaded those photos. >> who posted the photos? >> we know the data made it on to phones, and we know the phones stored the photographs. what we don't know is

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